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As the Lord intended
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT