[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
When news reporters do sports stories
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.