I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
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it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Everyone’s family
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me hitting on a model
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first