[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
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My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school