My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
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Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.