Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Merry Christmas
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
🙅🏻
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Oops
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.