[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
That was easy.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels