Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea