Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
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“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Usage Guidelines
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂