If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
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Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*