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It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Admin smashed it 😂
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.