Admin smashed it 😂
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Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I need a headline like this
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
live long and prosper!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably