Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

Heath: I’m Heath

Heather: I’m Heather

Me, competitive: I’m Heathest

guys I’m going home

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?

Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

How To Avoid Dating

●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.

Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.

i got 4 brain cells and they’re the Madagascar penguins

The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”