Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
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My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either