dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.