I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
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Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.