then why did i get this email
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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
then why did i get this email
Me irl
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Oh my God.