Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
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Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢