Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
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My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
kids play hide and seek like
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.