I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
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He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
the best thing i’ve ever made
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you