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If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.