If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
How I’d get arrested…
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood