God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
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Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Wikigenius
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it