Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
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i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.