When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad