Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You Might Also Like
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.