@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

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@ScottLinnen

Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide

@TheToddWilliams

ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are

WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid

ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me

WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-

ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.

@DanMentos

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

@RunOldMan

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

@ddsmidt

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

@karanbirtinna

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

@paulg

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

@Jenny4ashley

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

@envydatropic

Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs