@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

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@dafloydsta

Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.

@iscoff

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

@JessObsess

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

@chuuew

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

@HiddenPinky

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

@Spaziotwat

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.