@dafloydsta Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
@TwinSurvivalist The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
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@dafloydsta 
@StansaidAirport People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
@iscoff If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
@JessObsess I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
@Social_Mime When I snag the last meatball.
@chuuew [day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
@HiddenPinky Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
@Spaziotwat As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
@HousewifeOfHell My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
@papasuncle Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?