The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
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don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
those birds must be on payroll
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.