Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
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Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
The honesty is refreshing