Thanks to a fan for this one.
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90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
All is fair in drunk and war.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.