I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
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Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.