WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Don’t snitch tag.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.