Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Hilarious if literal: arms race

me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*

her: nope just crazy

me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.

Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.

No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?

Yes.

I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

I’m doing the lords work (judging)