If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?