“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
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Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!