A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
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I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”