‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
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Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Room with a view.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.