Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
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152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Nothing.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My life in a nutshell
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.