there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Good Morning.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know