Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
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Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something