Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*![]()
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
![]()
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat![]()
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.