If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
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[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I have questions??
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
necessity is the mother of invention
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.