Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.