Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh