NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?