@T_Bonezzz_ How do German people not choke to death when they talk
@i_Lean “Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
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@T_Bonezzz_ 
@ramblinma Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
@OtherDanOBrien “HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
@JohnLyonTweets Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
@jonnysun ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
@UncleDuke1969 I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
@nojeshua I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
@causticbob I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
@DGComedy Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
@topaz_kell Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”