My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
You Might Also Like
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.