“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”