According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”