“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”

I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.

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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.


5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?



one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries


I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.


[spelling bee]

Teacher: your word is forwards

Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one


Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.


Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar


Me: *Asks question on snapchat*

Them: *Answers question on snapchat*

Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”