Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
No, he would not have.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
bias laundering edition
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.