You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
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It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
When the stylist spins you back around
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Hero horse inspires millions
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.