A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
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I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
you stereotypes are all alike
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life