me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
How animals would run if they were human
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”