I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]